Change is inevitable. They say nothing lasts forever and I've reached that point in my life. Graduation from college...
As I look back and think about these past few years (longer than the average 4 year path...lol) I have realized that often times things that you view as a hindrance in your life are really placed there to build and mold you into the person that you were meant to be.
I never imagined my life taking the path that it has...I never saw myself in Denton. Period. I had come from UT Austin. Had made a life for myself there. Staying in Austin and finishing what I had started, that was my plan. But, sometimes you have to look deep inside and decide for yourself what makes YOU happy. Family to me is most important. That's one of the major reasons that lead me to make the change, being close to my sick father. Also, my personal happiness...I didn't know who I was and my reasons for even pursuing college. People often times judge, not realizing that there may be deeper issues underlying you actions, your decisions. I know that people misinterpreted my leaving for me running away from adversity, giving up; I often time questioned myself. Wondering if I had made the right decision...what would people think...how would I make friends...what would my family say?...my friends? There were many thoughts running through my head but there was one thing clear...I had to follow my heart. I also realized that the people who really love you will be there to support you no matter what. And the fakes, the phonies, well they were irrelevant in the first place. The people that want to be in your life will make an effort--remember that.
Yes, its the normal progression to go from high school to college but at the time I didn't have a clear path for myself etched out in my mind. I was just going through the motions, following other peoples dreams, not really my own. God has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need even though we don't realize we need it. I had to go through some difficult situations...failure...rejection...betrayal...and failed relationships. I didn't realize it at the time but it was these situations that gave me the strength to leave. To reevaluate who I was as a person and what I wanted. I played victim for a while. Questioning why I had to go through such hard times. Asking God why me? I'm a good person...I try to do the right things...I try to treat people they way I would want to be treated...I'm loyal...honest...why would they treat me this way? Why? Why?---
I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. But then, I finally understood! The real question is Why not? Why not me? I am no more special than anyone else and life is not a bucket of hand picked roses. It's hard! Everybody won't love you. Everybody won't be loyal. Everybody won't be honest or sincere. Somethings aren't meant for you to understand, it's meant for you to experience and grow into a better person.
As I reflect I realize that God really had a plan for my life all along. When I was going through a very difficult time in my life; searching and trying to understand certain things transpiring, I prayed to God. I asked him to tell me what to do. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and said "wait" That was my answer, to wait. I often times lack patience (as a result from only child syndrome I suppose...lol) but I had to learn to trust in God and wait. I didn't understand what that meant or how that would even help me...now I understand.
He knew what I needed. He knew that I lacked confidence in myself and my abilities. He knew that I needed to go through pain to realize my inner strength. He knew that I needed to be alone. Sometimes God will put you in a situation where you are alone so that he can mold you into the person you were meant to be. That's what he did for me. I went off to Denton. Alone. No friends. No family. Just me...and now I'm different. I'm a completely different person. I have a confidence in myself unmatched. I use to be scared to talk to people. To be myself. To approach people. I felt shy, unworthy even. And now, I will talk to anyone...you have to tell me to shut up! lol. Back then I probably would have never blogged about my personal thoughts for the whole world to see. But I realize that telling your story not only can be therapeutic for yourself but can help someone else. We are meant to be on this Earth and be an asset to each other. To make an impact and influence someone else's life in a positive way.
I think that my time at UT was a period of life lessons, and my time at TWU was a period of growth. Taking those life lessons and growing the hell up! I laugh as I say that, but its sooo true.
I have found my purpose through a conversation between me and God. I realize what I'm here to do. I know that it won't be easy but he gave me the job because he knew that I could do it. I know that he's still developing and molding me and my purpose will be revealed to the world in due time...but I don't think I would have ever realized it had I not took a chance on life and followed my heart. I found my happiness.
Everything that I prayed in private for God to help me to do while in college, I've achieved. I can't believe it! It all really happened...wow! It's surreal to achieve things that you thought weren't possible, that people told you you couldn't do or were unworthy to do. But man can not keep you from what God has already destined for your life. If God can make the smaller things in my life possible, I can only imagine what else he will make possible for me.
You have to ask the Lord for what you want and speak those things into your life. If you are uncertain where you should go or what direction your life should take, ask the Lord to reveal that to you. That's what I did, and I continue to do so when I'm lost. We are all here for a reason, your being a live now is predestined by God. Don't miss out on your true calling purely because you didn't ask.
As I walk across that stage on Friday, I wonder what will be going through my mind!? There's so many things you think you will say or feel when you achieve something you thought wouldn't happen (I quit school everyday...it was like pulling teeth for me to get this degree! lol). All I can say is thank you GOD. Thank you God for being faithful. Thank you God for growing me up and allowing for me to feel pain. Thank you God for being loyal. Thank you God for being a friend when I felt I had no one. Thank you God for allowing me to experience once in a lifetime experiences ( a maymester class in Paris France, pledging Delta Sigma Theta with my 15 LSs...the greatest sorority on the planet..lol, being the dean of my own line, crossing my neos and doing things the way I always envisioned). Thank you God for giving me a purpose. Thank you God for showing me that I'm nothing without you. All I can say is Thank you GOD...
I'm so excited for the future. Sometimes I get concerned and worried about the unknown of my future but then I say a small prayer and I let the Lord lead me into the right direction. I refuse to be scared, to let fear hold me back. This is the most exciting time in my life! Graduation symbolizes a new beginning. The next chapter of my life, to let go of childlike things and become the woman that I know I can be. I'm so ready and excited! Life is so exciting, can't wait for this new journey to begin.
In a sense my life has come full circle...but now it's time to start that circle all over again :)
