Change...

Change is inevitable. They say nothing lasts forever and I've reached that point in my life. Graduation from college...

As I look back and think about these past few years (longer than the average 4 year path...lol) I have realized that often times things that you view as a hindrance in your life are really placed there to build and mold you into the person that you were meant to be.

I never imagined my life taking the path that it has...I never saw myself in Denton. Period. I had come from UT  Austin. Had made a life for myself there. Staying in Austin and finishing what I had started, that was my plan. But, sometimes you have to look deep inside and decide for yourself what makes YOU happy. Family to me is most important. That's one of the major reasons that lead me to make the change, being close to my sick father. Also, my personal happiness...I didn't know who I was and my reasons for even pursuing college. People often times judge, not realizing that there may be deeper issues underlying you actions, your decisions. I know that people misinterpreted my leaving for me running away from adversity, giving up; I often time questioned myself. Wondering if I had made the right decision...what would people think...how would I make friends...what would my family say?...my friends? There were many thoughts running through my head but there was one thing clear...I had to follow my heart. I also realized that the people who really love you will be there to support you no matter what. And the fakes, the phonies, well they were irrelevant in the first place. The people that want to be in your life will make an effort--remember that.

Yes, its the normal progression to go from high school to college but at the time I didn't have a clear path for myself etched out in my mind. I was just going through the motions, following other peoples dreams, not really my own. God has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need even though we don't realize we need it. I had to go through some difficult situations...failure...rejection...betrayal...and failed relationships. I didn't realize it at the time but it was these situations that gave me the strength to leave. To reevaluate who I was as a person and what I wanted. I played victim for a while. Questioning why I had to go through such hard times. Asking God why me? I'm a good person...I try to do the right things...I try to treat people they way I would want to be treated...I'm loyal...honest...why would they treat me this way? Why? Why?---

I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. But then, I finally understood! The real question is Why not? Why not me? I am no more special than anyone else and life is not a bucket of hand picked roses. It's hard! Everybody won't love you. Everybody won't be loyal. Everybody won't be honest or sincere. Somethings aren't meant for you to understand, it's meant for you to experience and grow into a better person.

As I reflect I realize that God really had a plan for my life all along. When I was going through a very difficult time in my life; searching and trying to understand certain things transpiring, I prayed to God. I asked him to tell me what to do. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and said "wait" That was my answer, to wait. I often times lack patience (as a result from only child syndrome I suppose...lol) but I had to learn to trust in God and wait. I didn't understand what that meant or how that would even help me...now I understand.

He knew what I needed. He knew that I lacked confidence in myself and my abilities. He knew that I needed to go through pain to realize my inner strength. He knew that I needed to be alone. Sometimes God will put you in a situation where you are alone so that he can mold you into the person you were meant to be. That's what he did for me. I went off to Denton. Alone. No friends. No family. Just me...and now I'm different. I'm a completely different person. I have a confidence in myself unmatched. I use to be scared to talk to people. To be myself. To approach people. I felt shy, unworthy even. And now, I will talk to anyone...you have to tell me to shut up! lol. Back then I probably would have never blogged about my personal thoughts for the whole world to see. But I realize that telling your story not only can be therapeutic for yourself but can help someone else. We are meant to be on this Earth and be an asset to each other. To make an impact and influence someone else's life in a positive way.

I think that my time at UT was a period of life lessons, and my time at TWU was a period of growth. Taking those life lessons and growing the hell up! I laugh as I say that, but its sooo true.

I have found my purpose through a conversation between me and God. I realize what I'm here to do. I know that it won't be easy but he gave me the job because he knew that I could do it. I know that he's still developing and molding me and my purpose will be revealed to the world in due time...but I don't think I would have ever realized it had I not took a chance on life and followed my heart. I found my happiness.

Everything that I prayed in private for God to help me to do while in college, I've achieved. I can't believe it! It all really happened...wow! It's surreal to achieve things that you thought weren't possible, that people told you you couldn't do or were unworthy to do. But man can not keep you from what God has already destined for your life. If God can make the smaller things in my life possible, I can only imagine what else he will make possible for me.

You have to ask the Lord for what you want and speak those things into your life. If you are uncertain where you should go or what direction your life should take, ask the Lord to reveal that to you. That's what I did, and I continue to do so when I'm lost. We are all here for a reason, your being a live now is predestined by God. Don't miss out on your true calling purely because you didn't ask.

As I walk across that stage on Friday, I wonder what will be going through my mind!? There's so many things you think you will say or feel when you achieve something you thought wouldn't happen (I quit school everyday...it was like pulling teeth for me to get this degree! lol). All I can say is thank you GOD. Thank you God for being faithful. Thank you God for growing me up and allowing for me to feel pain. Thank you God for being loyal. Thank you God for being a friend when I felt I had no one. Thank you God for allowing me to experience once in a lifetime experiences ( a maymester class in Paris France, pledging Delta Sigma Theta with my 15 LSs...the greatest sorority on the planet..lol, being the dean of my own line, crossing my neos and doing things the way I always envisioned). Thank you God for giving me a purpose. Thank you God for showing me that I'm nothing without you. All I can say is Thank you GOD...

I'm so excited for the future. Sometimes I get concerned and worried about the unknown of my future but then I say a small prayer and I let the Lord lead me into the right direction. I refuse to be scared, to let fear hold me back. This is the most exciting time in my life! Graduation symbolizes a new beginning. The next chapter of my life, to let go of childlike things and become the woman that I know I can be. I'm so ready and excited! Life is so exciting, can't wait for this new journey to begin.

In a sense my life has come full circle...but now it's time to start that circle all over again :)

my favorite new fashion blog...now this is stuff I can use!

Why do people rush into relationships? I feel like we all need time to be alone and figure out who we are as a person. From experience I know that if you don't take time for yourself, IT WONT WORK! You wanna know why? Because you still won't know yourself well enough to know what you want, and you still will make the same mistakes over and over. And Over. I've been there, a serial dater so I know.

I experienced the most pain while being alone after my first real heartbreak. AND...the most growth. I know what makes me happy and believe me that helps eliminate so much BS. When you can see the lie before its even said. When you can spot a situation going into a negative situation that's oh so familiar, that's the best! lol.

I'm over waisting time. I'm getting older. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone "just because" That's what we did when we were 15 or 16 years old. Dating someone because it's cool. I'd rather be single than be in another dead end relationship.

We have to get to the point where we can truly be alone. For myself, I pray for contentment. I just want to be content with being me, and if someone fabulous comes along then that's a plus.

Although being alone is a scary thought that humans try to downplay, it is some times necessary. It's when its most quiet that God talks to you the most. Listen.

If you have to work hard being manipulative to figure out what your partner is up to. It's not worth it. You already know the truth.

It's so hard to have a dream and put yourself out there. Worst case scenario?? yep, you fail...nobody cares about your dream the way you do. But, if we never try then what's the point? Putting yourself out there is half the battle. I'm on my journey to creating and pursing a dream of mine. A fashion magazine! But, not just any fashion magazine.

I always thought that it was so hard to find someone who would just give me a chance. All I wanted was a foot in the door, a chance to show what I had to offer. But, in Dallas, fashion internships and opportunities are far and few in-between. There is wonderful fashion here, but still not as many opportunities as NY or Cali.

So, I thought why not create a opportunity to do just that, give people opportunities. The main core of my magazine will be to provide high school students, college students, and recent grads the opportunity to work on a project that in turn provides them with excellent resume boosters. Here, its like you don't have to pretend that you're not doing this just to build up your resume, lol that's my whole point! I want you too!! Can you imagine what it would be like to say, "Yes, I was the lead photographer for a fashion magazine located in Dallas, TX"!! And then, not only that but have clips of your work; an actual fashion magazine to show them! That to me is AMAZING.

I want to be the one that says yes when everyone else told you no. I want to be the person that says sorry you have too much experience...not that you don't have enough!--I hate when people say that you don't have enough experience. It's like, "Umm that's what I was coming to you for"--- I want you to use the lessons learned with Style Me Daily Magazine and make your dreams come true.

I want Style Me Daily to be the voice of the 18 to 20-somethings out there! You want to know what we're thinking? What we like?! Then, you'll pick up a copy of SMD.

I want us to be industry leaders, taken seriously by our peers and the fashion community. I want us to make a statement, that "Yea, although you may have more years in this industry than me, I still have talent, look what I can do!"

I also decided to make my magazine non-profit. Because the true purpose is not to "make money" or be just another magazine telling you information that you enjoy, but ultimately can't use. I want to give back to the community. Give make-overs to low-income middle and high school students for the first day of school and Christmas; and even the dreaded picture day! You all can remember how excited you were to wear your new outfit to school. Ready to make your statement. Well, not everyone has the opportunity to get the "latest" and I want to give it to them. I want them to know that if you look good on the outside you feel great on the inside! I also want to give scholarships to students interested in careers in fashion & media. And lastly, I want to inspire those little fashionistas out there and create a fashion camp for children ages 7-14! There are so many great things that I think that Style Me Daily could do and be a part of. The sky is the limit in my book.

I truly believe that you can have all the talents and gifts in the world, but if you're not using them to inspire someone else or make this world a better place, what really have you accomplished? You can't take money or fame with you when you die. The only thing you have is the legacy you left behind.

I hope that one day I can inspire somebody, give someone a chance I never had. That to me, would be the ultimate legacy.

I need a pair of nude heels. A must-have staple in every woman's closet!

Do you think it's possible to reach your goals with no money? It's amazing to me how people can turn $100 or $1,000 into a billion dollar fortune. The tenacity of the human spirit amazes me. I hope I can turn this $5.00 I have in my wallet into something, soon.

I was telling my Dad the other day that I wanted to get a newer updated translation of the Bible, so that I could understand it better. He told me that he didn't agree because it's being changed too much and original meanings of passages are being lost in translation. He told me that some scholars are even re-doing the Bible to include a feminist perspective. So it's better I stick with the "thou's" and "whilst not's".

My response, it's believed that some chapters of the bible have been left out the original all together, so should we not read it at all? What to believe? Is the Bible real? Is it really the divine word from God? I think that we don't really know the truth, we live by faith. To me, thats why having a personal relationship with God is so important. That, you know is real because you have felt him for yourself.

And, my Dad also asked me...how do you know there is an afterlife? Would you be disappointed if there wasn't? That, all your faith had been in nothing. My answer is that that I know that God has a place for us because I know God and I know he's real. Secondly, would I be disappointed if there was no God, my answer would be no.

Because, I lived my life the best I could and I lived for what I believed in. And heck, I'm dead so what's the point in dwelling. lol.

PS. late night convos with my Dad are the best.

I saw someone ask on FB why does love hurt. There were several replies. Someone even said it's like a drug. You get addicted to the feeling and when its gone it hurts. My take on it, is that it hurts because you let it. Everything we do is an active decision. Some people say you can't help who you love. Umm yes you can! No one told you to love the idot who yells at you or who belittles you. You can help it if you realized your worth. You make a choice about who you love. You decide that you enjoy the way that person makes you feel, and open up your heart to them. And, you also make a choice about what you do with that void once the relationship has ended. You can choose to be hurt, and let it over take you. OR you can choose to see the big picture and understand that everything you want isn't always meant for you. If it was suppose to work out, you'd be together right now. I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I've seen it too many times in my life. Things I thought were terrible that happened to me, later showed itself to be a blessing.

Our hearts sometimes desire what will keeps us from our path. Sometimes in order to get to that person God created for you, you have to be prepared. Preparation comes through the form of failed relationships. Look at it as growth. After a couple hard breakups I decided that from then on I would re-focus my energy. I would allow myself to be sad for only so long and pick myself up by the boot straps and move on. Often, easier said than done. But, like I said it's a choice. Don't let any one person dictate your mood and the way you feel about yourself.

I read a quote on twitter that said, "One day you'll meet someone that will make you understand why it didn't work out with anyone else." Living the life as a single woman, that's definitely words to live by.

I think that the reason that social media like Twitter and Facebook is so popular is because everyone wants to etch out their place in this world. It's the reason I'm blogging right now. Admit it to yourself. Everyone wants to leave this world feeling important. Like they have a voice. The best way is to blog about it. Tweet about it. Facebook about it. Makes you feel better doesn't it? The rush when someone "likes" your status or comments on your post. The feeling you get when someone re-blogs a post you made, or re-tweets your random thought. We are all the same. Mere mortals searching for acceptance. Searching for understanding. Yearning for a reason to be...

Ok, seriously. Why do people put "in a relationship" on facebook? Is it that you want your undying love for someone to be made public? Is it to let everyone else know that you're taken? Is it to make your ex jealous and to let them know that you've moved on before them?

Personally the only relationship status I would let be known on facebook is when I'm married. To me, that's the only one that matters.

Have you ever been so tired of one portion of your life, that although you knew your future will be harder than you're present, you're so desperate to experience it just for the mere enjoyment of experiencing something, anything new?! Yea, going through that right now.

Did you know that the popular phrase "Carpe Diem", whose popular literary translation is, "seize the day" is an imperfect translation?

I wonder how these people are feeling about their decisions now? LOL...

I don't believe in one true love. I think you meet and fall in love with the person that's the best for you at that time. People are in your life for a season. Sometimes long, sometimes short.

Have you ever noticed that people hate on you for anything! I mean people talk about people who are ugly, they talk about you if you're too pretty, they talk about you if you're too fat, they talk about you if you're too skinny, if you're too tall, if you're mean, and even if you're too nice! There's no pleasing the people of this world. So I focus on pleasing the one that matters. The LORD! Don't waste time on mere little peasants, worry about what the king thinks! AMEN.

For some reason, people tend to judge me before they know me. I've been told that I'm too quiet, I'm stuck up, or act like that I'm "all that". I look around and laugh, like "Who me?!" That is the funniest thing, and so far from the truth. I'm probably the shyest person. People scare me ok! Ugh meeting new people is the worst, I never know what to say. You're looking at me, I'm looking at you, and we're both like WTF?! I hate "trying to make conversation." And, I'm very observant. I'm always peepin' the game. Seeing how other people are interacting with each other. Quiet isn't always a negative thing. If people actually stopped and really got to know me, they'd realize I probably talk too much and have way too many opinions. LOL.

So, if I'm not talking, it's probably because geez, I don't know what to say! Stop being so sensitive! But, the older I get the better and more confident I feel about myself so it's been easier to talk to people. But 3 or 4+ years ago, it was so hard for me to be myself. Now, I don't care. Either hate me or love me. Of course it's my hope for the latter.

I love the socks with heels trend!

How come it seems like only the rich make good fashion bloggers. Maybe its because they can buy and wear the top clothes by fabulous designers. Maybe it's the fact that they can fly to exotic places at the drop of a dime. Or maybe it's the fact that their lives seem so unattainable by us mere mortals that it's so fascinating to watch. But you know what would impress me? Showing me how to dress like a "rich designer label girl" and look pulled together, on a college student's budget. Showing nothing over $100 dollars. That's the kinda of stuff I can use!

One of my biggest pet peeves is people misspelling or saying my name wrong! My name is a simple old woman name. EDITH. Although, I mostly go by Edie. NOT Eddie. My name has 1 D. There is a long E sound. say it like the actual letters E and D. Edie. It's really not that difficult, but yet so many get it wrong. You'd think I had a name like Rudifia or something. Yea, I don't know what Rudfia is either. Sorry if this is your name.

Do you think that people ever reach their full potential?

I wonder if I'll ever know what real forgiveness feels like. Like, really telling someone you forgive them and never thinking about the situation ever again. Sometimes I let things replay over and over in my head. I'm not necessarily still angry, but the resentment will resurface. I want to really forgive people. But how do I do that when the hurt is still there?

Me and my Dad were having a discussion the other day about how do you know if God is real. And, how do you know you're purpose. My answer was that I know that God is real because I've felt him for myself. I've felt his spirit. His divine spirit spoke to my human spirit and told me something that I needed to hear so bad. Told me, "You're here for a reason" That was major for me, and the first time I heard from God. I had bee attending UT in Austin. I joined the gospel choir there. I started to go around with them at different events and sing. During one of the events, there was a time when we all were just listening to the music, letting it minster to our hearts. I had always wondered why people acted so crazy in church. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. People running, hollering, jumping up and down.---PAUSE---ok, unless you attend an African American Baptist Church you might not know what I mean. But i know that somebody out there feels me. So, I prayed a prayer that if God was real, he'd show me in a way I would only know. And then it happened! He spoke to me and I had begin to cry! I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried.

That is the moment I knew that God was real. And I think you find your purpose by asking. I also think that God gives you certain skills and desires of your heart for a reason. But, you have to ask yourself is this the path you want, or is it the path God wants for you.  Meaning, make sure that you want things for the right reasons.

I feel like we also have to be content with the answer we get from God. Everybody isn't meant to be rich. Everybody isn't meant to be famous. But, it's what you do with what you have that counts. Stop always wanting more. That may not be your role on earth. Pray for the desires of your heart, but be content with wherever you're at in your life and the answer that you get.

Acceptance is the hardest part of life.

I think that sometimes people don't realize the purpose that God actually has for their lives. Sometimes what you want isn't actually what you're put here for. You may want things for the wrong reasons and not realize it. I use to want to be famous. So, that all the people in the world who I felt had ever wronged me could see my success. It's one thing to be successful, but it's another thing for people to know years later that, "yea...you slept on me,but I've come up!" You know what I mean? But, then I realized that the only reason God gives you gifts is for the betterment of his kingdom. Meaning, he gives you wealth to share with others. He gives you a voice, to inspire others. He give you hands to help others. So, if me being famous or wealthy won't improve someone elses life and bring them closer to God, then I don't want it. And, really sometimes you have to be careful of what you ask for. Just look at those celebrities whose fame ruined their lives. The grass is not always greener.

This world we live in is only temporary. The things that you think are important, really are meaningless in the grand scheme of life. Who cares if someone doesn't like you. Who cares if someone was mean to you or hurt you at one point. If you understood your purpose you'd realize that all that matters at the end, is the change you made on earth while you had the grace of God to be here.

When my grandfather died I realized something. I realized that at the end of your life, those that matter will be there. Your family and friends. Everybody else, probably died off anyway. lol. Just joking. But really, try to focus on the positive. Life is full off too much negative as is. I'm grateful for the second chance He gives me everyday. Remember if you're still here, there's a reason. Talk to God. Figure it out before it's too late.

So, what are you going to do with the second chance you get everyday?

I think that sometimes time has to go by and experiences have to be experienced in order to make some relationships work. There's a reason it didn't work the first time. But, after all the time that has gone by...is it still worth it?

Story: You start dating someone. At the time, they aren't doing as good as they have been doing in the past. They're down on their luck. You still stay. You're the woman. But you are the provider. That concept doesn't align with your beliefs. The way you were raised. The way your father provides for your mother. But, you stay. Although you do for them, you still come last in their lives. But, still you stay. You see that the person you're with is content with doing nothing, being nothing, but you yearn for more out of your life. You talk to them. You talk to them. You talk to them. No progress. And still, you stay. You do this dance for too long. Way too long. Then, you realize your worth. You realize that, by staying with this person you aren't reaching you're full potential. You wouldn't mind staying if they had motivation. The same motivation you had for yourself. So, eventually you leave. And the blaming begins. They don't see their faults, only that you left. They claim you left them when times got hard. That you only cared when times were good. NEWS FLASH. Times were never good!...time goes by. The person changes. The pain that they felt from you leaving causes them to improve their lives. Everything that they couldn't do when they were with you, they now can do. They've "come up." It looks like in some weird way you were holding them back from their potential. So, your leaving was actually a blessing. Then, your ex meets someone else. The new person they've just met is there for the good times. And now you're left wondering...why? Why were you the stepping stone to their success? Why don't they come back and thank you, try to make things right with you? Their time and efforts now focused on someone else. Where was this new person when they had nothing? They weren't. I was there.

So, I'm just sitting here thinking about my dating life and the choices I've made. I've had so many experiences and dated so many different types of guys. The intellectual guy, the "thug life" guy, the athlete, the "I'm not really sure what he does but I see stacks of money" guy, the broke guy, the emotional guy, the emotionless guy, the manipulative guy, the sweet turned "who is this person" type of guy, the artistic guy, the "it's me against the world guy",  the liar, the funny guy, the romantic guy, the player, you name it I've probably dated it.

But, still I find myself in the same place I started. So, I'm left to think...is it me?! HELL NO, it's not me! It's them! lol. I say that jokingly, but I honestly believe it. I don't think I'm perfect what so ever but I also don't believe that they recognize that my imperfections aren't really that bad compared to what else it out there!

The two main things that ex's tell me is that I'm dramatic and very strong minded. Let's attack the first one. Yes I am very dramatic! But, I'm a Libra, cut me some slack. I'm the type of girl "whose life is over" everyday and if you make me mad "I'm never ever talking to you again". But, that is just me! I never mean it. I'm just venting! I wish people would just get that through their heads, give me a couple of hours, and then we can move on. One thing about me is I get over stuff very quickly.

Ok, and now for the "strong minded" part. I just feel like you should understand where I'm coming from and if you don't then you're wrong not me! lol. Is that so bad?! I also can empathize with you but I genuinely feel like I can't sympathize for you if I haven't been through that exact situation. I mean honestly someone tell me how I can understand where you're coming from if I haven't experienced your situation myself. I can only listen to what you say. And most of the time I probably won't agree. lol. I have a different outlook on life. And I think that I'm right. Anything that doesn't align with my beliefs I don't agree with, but aren't we all that way?

I've also been told I'm selfish. Ok, I think I might have to agree with them there. I'm an only child. What do you expect?! lol. I really don't think that I'm that selfish. I just don't think that I should have to settle for things that make me unhappy. I've done that, stayed in something that didn't necessarily make me happy because I thought I could change that person. NEWS FLASH...you cannot change anyone! If you can't accept them the way they are...MOVE ON! End of story. Why would you wanna change someone anyway, if you claim you love them? You should be able to accept them the way they are and love them because of their flaws, right?!

There's so many things to love about me.So, for the record, it's not me. It's you!